Reason number 1 for having an exchange student

Short and simple:

Because international exchange is the smartest thing I ever did!

Growing up I was the odd duck - the nerd, the brain, not interested in sports at all. I was a quiet little mouse who preferred to blend in with wallpaper. I was very good at languages and in the 8th grade I came up with the idea to travel on exchange.

My dad thought is was a great idea. We were advised to wait until I was sure to placed in 12th grade in the States. So I left Denmark when I was 17. I was placed in a family with no kids and spent a year in a catholic private school in Michigan. Didn't make a whole lot of friends but that year changed me forever and I returned home a confident and strong 18 year old.

At home I quickly became a volunteer for the exchange organisation I traveled with; Youth for Understanding and soon all my friends was from YFU. I was very involved in the organisation for many years and tried out so many different things and had loads of responsibility at a very young age.

I met my husband through YFU and most of our fundamental values stem from our international experiences.

Having an exchange student living with us has been just as rewarding as our original exchange experiences.

Reason number 2 for having an exchangestudent

It has been over two years since she arrived. The experience changed both her and us. But even though it has been so long now it is still a conversation starter or something that interests people a great deal.

Being an "international" family is so normal to us that we sometimes forget how the other half lives. We feel so priviledged that we have have had the opportunity to invite the world inside our own home. And my reason number two for having an exchange student may sound a bit thick but I feel proud that I made the world a little bit smaller and helped further international cultural exchange and opened communication between people. And through casual dinner conversations or lunch with collegues I continue to do so. I wonder if everyone had to have an exchange student if there would be so much conflict in the world ... or just in Denmark?  

Reason number 3 for having an exchange student

She has just been back for a visit and it was great to see her again.

Her danish skills was pretty much the same as when she left - very impressive!

Most of the everyday words she has gotten pretty good at. However a trip to Italy showed me that there are words in the Danish language that so hard to say and makes no sense at all.

Bølgeskvulp - the first time I said it she looked at me like I was making up new words (translation: not a real wave but a little sound water makes when it curls)

Halv fem - she kept saying that she had to  leave the house at half seventeen. It took a few guesses before we figured out she was meant 4:30. In Danish we don't use am or pm. After noon we say 13, 14 etc ( or 1, 2 etc). So in her mind 4:30 was 30 min before 17. "But that makes no sense at all??"

Trying to explain the ins and out of the Danish language is reason number 3.

Reason number 4 for having an exchange student

I just received a message that she has found tickets to come back and visit!

We are all so excited. It will be great to see her again and see if she has changed in the year that has passed.

It is such fun to have visitors. This year my husbands hostparents are coming for the baby's baptism and my best friend is coming in August. But it will be wonderfull to see her again and see her being excited about being back.

Reason number 5 for having an exchange student

Our student left for home many months ago and we still miss her ... she misses us too.

But she is still family. The kids - especially our daughter - refers to her as their sister. We wish we could have more exchange students but the room is now occupied with the latest addition to the family; Anne-Sophie. She was born in november.

But our student will always be our daughter too. And her family is an extension of ours. Being connected to another family like this worth gold.

Long time no hear ...

A post on this blog is long overdue. So much has happened over the last four months I don't even know where to begin.

We ended the year of 2012 on a sad note. Our beloved dog Pax developed cancer and a short 6 weeks after we found out we had to say goodbye to him. We managed to get a new puppy before he was put down but is it still not the same.

In the end of January my husband was let go from his job - a turbulent month followed but luckily he was able to find a new job very quickly.

Around the same time we was called to a meeting at school. They wanted to hold back Alexander a year because they were worried about his academic skills. We refused but it means that we need to focus a great deal on him.

It was with a sad heart that we then decided that we had to put our kids first and not have exchange students for a while.

Then life threw us another little or rather big twist. In the middle of march I thought Emmeline had given me the flue. But a pregnancy test showed a different answer to my stomach problems. I am pregnant!! We still have trouble believing it but hopefully come November the household will say Hello to the world to a little baby.

We felt bad for our exchange student because we knew that the following two months I would be very sick and mostly confined to my bed and we simply wouldn't have the time to give her the exchange year we think she deserves. We had also had a period where communication wasn't going so well between us - we didn't see her much and we felt we lived to separate lives. So we gave her a choice. We said that we would love for her to stay but if she wanted to switch family to a family that have more time for her we would understand completely. We felt it was important that she made the choice herself.

I had to make a similar choice as an exchange student. My host mother was a teacher at school and she was a tough teacher. To me she was a great friend that I loved spending time with but to others she seemed very harsh and not a very warm person. One of my great friends asked if I wanted to come stay with her and her family instead. I declined because I was perfectly content where I was. But it did make me think about my situation and looking back it meant a great deal to have made that decision my self. I chose to stay so I was responsible for my own situation - that is character building!

She also chose to stay and she is so excited about the baby that she wants to come visit next summer to see the baby. She has also been great at helping out more around the house and communication has improved vastly since.

Reason number 6 for having an exchangestudent

Al though I haven't done it much lately cooking is one of my favorite pass times. Between kids and every day chores I just don't seem to have much time to do it. But I am looking forward to teaching her some traditional danish meals.

We are an "international" family so we don't eat very traditional danish food - at least not for dinner. 

I remember when I was an exchange student I asked my mom to send some recipes so I could cook for my host parents. I did cook a few times but after I on two separate occasions started a small fire and flooded the kitchen they asked if I could just bake from then on. 

One of the dishes I made was meatballs in curry or as we say in Danish: "boller i karry". It is basically pork meatballs which is boiled and served with a curry sauce and rice. This was actually what I was making when I set the kitchen stove on fire as an exchange student.

Another dish is one that most foreigners have heard of; Frikadeller - again pork meatballs, served with either potatoes and gravy or potato salad.

She has expressed interest in making frikadeller - it will be fun to teach her even more about danish food traditions.

Reason number 7 for having an exchangestudent

Christmas has come and gone again. But what a treat it was to experience a danish Christmas through her eyes.

Christmas lunches
In Denmark almost every workplace has a Christmas lunch and a lot of them serve traditional danish Christmas food. And that means pickled herring, eel, salmon, ham, porkroast and Ris a la Mande. We also went to a family Christmas lunch with greatgrandma with the entire family and to one after Christmas with the other side of the family. The first time she tried almost everything - I could see it in her eyes that there were things she was to polite to spit out again.

Somehow she also got the impression that we eat æbleskiver at every Christmas gathering we go to - well almost true.



She claims she gained several pounds in december ... that is what it is like to be an exchangestudent.

Church
Most Danes go to church at the following events: Baptisms, Confirmations, weddings and funerals. Occasionally some go to church at Christmas - per her request we went too. She liked it but commented on how different it was - before the service there was a lot of talking - she thought that was strange :).

I love Christmas and it has been a joy to share our Christmas traditions with her. Reason number 7 for having an exchangestudent.

Reason number 8 for having an exchange student: Giftwrapping

Christmas is almost here. As in any country Christmas is a big deal. And stressful. Already our calendar is booked beyond what seems do-able. Apart from all the Christmas parties there is also all the activities we need to do ... and have fun doing it!

My sewing project is almost done. I finished the calendar for her a long time ago and my sons is done too. My daughters is in danger of not getting done. I am working day and night to get it done - it is not looking good. My husband knows how important it is to my daughter and me that is gets done before December 1st. so for the first time ever he volunteered himself and her to wrap the gifts that go on the calendar so I could sew. Last night was the wrap Christmas calendar gifts night. My husband wrapped the ones for our son and she  wrapped 24 little gifts for her host sister. I will post pictures once all of them are done and full of  presents.

I love the extra pair of hands. I don't expect her to work all the time but when she helps out to make stressful times a bit less stressful it is just wonderful to have an exchange student. So reason number 8 to have an exchange student.

Parenting

I don't know what exactly I expected when we signed up for an exchange student. The thing I most surprised about it the parenting involved.

Like reminding her that she needs to do her homework, keeping track of her schedule and reminding her when there is something she has to do, waking her up in the morning when she slept in ... again. At this point (3 months into her stay) I sort of figured that some things I don't need to say anymore.

One of my friends says that her son is always just landed - meaning that everything comes as a bit as a surprise to him. She is the same in some ways. The learning curve is a surprise too - after (wrongly) assuming that the bus would come at a certain time one would think one would check next time?

I didn't expect to parent like this not at this age!

School

How important is school during exchange? I was brought up on the notion that school is a priviledge and it is always important to do well in school.

During my year in Muskegon I was bored beyond belief. Being a senior in high school in the states is just not the same level as being a student in second year in a danish high school. Very quickly I realized just how little I had to do and still maintain a GPA over 3.5. I didn't have much trouble with the language nor the academic level that was taught so I could pretty much slack off in most classes. The only two classes where I couldn't slack was my hostmothers class (British lit) and Calculus. My hostmother knew that I could do better and required that I did as much as possible and calculus was actually at the same level as at home (and I would be able to use it at home).

By not even trying too hard I still managed to land in the top 10 in my class.

The story for my student is however very different. Not only is almost everything done in a different language but the level is also college level for her and she needs the credits to able to skip junior year at home and still graduate with her classmates at home.

Another thing she has to learn is that school is different than in the states (I know stating the obvious). But here we learn and understand but there they memorize and forget ... well somethings sticks ...

We were talking about the American election the other day and she was baffled about how much we care about who ends up in the whitehouse. And she was aslo baffled about how much everybody here knows about politics. That reminded me of the standard answer to my questions about different issues in Muskegon; "I don't know - we haven't covered that in school yet."

I remember my second year in the danish highschool - it was tough! And I did a lot of homework. She says she does her homework and the only class she has real troubles in is in physics but I don't see her studying that much ... and does it matter if she doesn't?

Reason number 9 for having an exchange student

Friday we went to tivoli for the big halloween display. We had a great day - the three kids each got a ride-bracelet so they could try all the rides. I gladly paid to get out of getting on every roller coaster and carousel. She loves amusement parks and I have to admit I am getting to old for rides now - I get motion sickness just from looking at things that go around and around and up and down.

The big payoff in the investment came after dinner - pizza, very good pizza and plenty of it. The small kids wanted to try one last ride - pirate ships that goes around and up and down. While the parents was trying to remember why that last piece was a good idea she got on the pirate ships with the twins.

Reason number 9 for having an exchange student.

Reason number 10 for having an exchange student

Reason number 10 for having an exchange student is the opportunity educate her in the danish candy "must try's".

First of all - candy from Bonbon - Bonbon candy came out in the 90's where they found a niche in candy with  gross names: Dog farts, seagull droppings, rotten fish, big boobs, dirty diapers are among the most famous.



Next are "flødeboller": A waffle bottom topped with a sweet foam covered in chocolate.



Sunday we tried chocolate frogs with a caramel filling and a mint filling:


Next up are chocolate turtles: Dark chocolate with a caramel AND mint filling!


What we have to do in the name of international exchange!!

Taking care of another mothers child

I am in awe of anybody who takes the leap of faith and send their child across the world to live with a family of strangers for a year.

I am thankful that I have been given the privilege to help her grow as a person and learn important lessons about herself this year.

I am thankful for the opportunity to give a young girl the experience that I once had

I am thankful to take part in a global effort to understanding between cultures.

I am thankful to witness the transformation that takes place when cultural exchange takes effect

I am glad to experience the exchange experience from another angle

I love international exchange!

Going out?

Being 16 in Denmark is not easy - being a teenager in any country is not easy I can imagine. Being a 16 year old american teenager in Denmark is certainly a challenge. She comes from a small town in North Dakota with less than 2000 inhabitants so it is safe to assume that everybody knows everybody and it is fairly safe to be almost anywhere. Even though we too live in a small town most of all activities takes place in Køge, Solrød or Copenhagen. It is important to know where to go and where not to go in order to be safe.

One of the big issues we have had has been going out. We think it is important to socialize with her fellow classmates and the way that is done in a danish school is parties and hanging out with classmates. We have talked at length about safety and checking in with us on a regular basis and it is hard to get through to her that we need to know where she is, who she is with and when she is going home. When we talk to her she understands, but doing it seems to slip her mind a lot once she leaves the door.

When my own kids reach 16 I will know what kind of people they are, what they are capable of and they will know how to act when they are going out. I don't her like that yet. I can't restrict all access to social activities and I can't wait to get to know her well enough to trust she knows what she is doing because then the year is gone. So how can I help her have a good year as an exchange student and keep her safe at the same time?

After a few trials and errors I think we have a good system in place. She texts us when she reaches her destination and when she leaves wherever she is. If we don't hear from her we will start texting and calling - both her and the people she is with. We also had to learn to remember to ask about all the details before she leaves.

Luckily she has many friends and they are very good at taking care of her. They make sure that she is not alone at any time at night and we are confident that she is safe when she is with them and she has now understood that she never should be alone on the street at night and we can sleep peacefully. Although it does seem like we have regressed a bit - three short years ago we sighed and thought no more kids waking us op in the middle of night. The only difference now is that the we not only wake up we also have to start the car and pick her up somewhere :).

Lessons learned
- we know what kind of parents we will be with our kids once they hit 16
- thank god for cellphones - what did our own parents do when we were younger?
- keeping the lines of communication open between you and the student or child is the key.

Part of the family

The question I get the most is how is she doing and is she a part of the family yet. Both my husband and I consider her a part of the family. The kids is another story. After the initial excitement and she became very busy with school and friends the kids basically just reduced her to the "girl who lives in the guestroom". Kids are like that if you don't spend time with them you disappear from their world in a sense.

She is very active socially and like any teenager she sleeps in and spends hours in the bathroom (but that is another post!). At some point we had to have a talk with her about her role in the family. With kids it is something you have to work on. I could see that it surprised her to learn that the kids doesn't consider her to be a full member of the family.

She has started slow - she made cookies with them a while back and two days ago she spent a whole day with them at a mall and a movie. It went very well but now the kids has to learn to listen to her. There is still a language barrier but they are on the right track.

Nisse

In most countries christmas is a big deal. It is in Denmark as well and it is pretty much my favorite holiday so I tend to go over board come Christmas time. This year I decided to needlepoint a Christmas calender for her and for each day from December 1st to the 24th she will unwrap a little piece of danish Christmas.  I am almost done - well done with the needlepoint anyway. I have been doing it as a secret from her so I have sewing like crazy when she wasn't home. The kids have been following my progress and as I was getting to the end I realized that they don't have one? So ... and this is where the going over board comes in - I started to needlepoint one for each of the twins - sigh ... only 1½ months to go before I have to be done - no problem!

As I was working on it she asked me what I was doing. I then started to explain a danish Christmas calender - one little present each day is easy enough to understand - the real challenge came when I said; "and on this one I am sewing a Nisse." Oh like a elf? Uhm no, not an elf. A gnome then? Uhm no not really. In the middle of my own explanation about Nisse-lore I had a out-of-the-body experience. I must have sounded like an idiot: A nisse is about yea high, not as a tall as an elf but taller than a gnome. I had no idea how much I know about Nisse and how ridiculous it sounds when someone tries to explain the concept. It is a very Scandinavian thing ... read more here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomte and he looks like this:


I can't wait to show her all the other strange things that make up a danish Christmas.

Pictures for home

About two days into my year in Michigan my dad started bugging me for pictures. He even sent a film for me to shoot and instructions just to mail the film home so he could develope it in Denmark. Didn't help much. I can now see from the pictures that we were well into winter by the time I actually shot some pictures of where I lived, my school etc. The phrase I can still hear my hostmother saying is; "Bring your camera!" Didn't help either.

Again technology sure have changed in 20 years. Posting a instant memory to facebook when it is happening is awesome! And yet not much has changed ... I say "Bring your camera" to her and her parents are bugging her for pictures. She says it didn't have anything to do with the fact that her mom offered money for each posted picture but a few weeks ago she did start to take more pictures. I have even seen her camera out at several occasions.

At first she was stumped as to what to take pictures of. So I explained to her what it is her parents wants to see. Pictures of the street she lives on, pictures of the yellow bus she takes everywhere every day, the red trains, the school and anything that makes her smile or that would make her parents smile.

That helped - she took some great pictures of what I suggested and things I didn't even see coming; like this one:


It had the caption; "We're so happy to see you."

Thinking back and looking at my pictures from back then I must admit that it is the everyday pictures I wish I had more of.

Lessons learned
- Taking pictures requires persuation regardless of nationality and decade
- We have happy electrical outlets

Contact with home

When I was an exchangestudent the only way to communicate with my family and friends back home was letters (the real kind) and phonecalls. And it took me a long time to write home the first time. And don't even get me started on pictures

But it is truly a different age now. Now there is facebook, skype, letters, blogs and phones. And maybe the expectations from home also is different now. Her family expects regular updates from her and that is a challenge for an exchangestudent. How much contact is too much? And since our own experiences have been so different how can we advise her? We also have contact with her parents so we had to sides to the dilemma and how should we deal with that? A tough situation for all.

As a parent I can appreciate the leap of faith it must take to send your child across the world to a family of strangers but as a former exchangestudent I know how important it is to immerse yourself in the new culture.

We consulted the experts: my hostparents to find out how to handle it. I kindly said to her parents that as long she integrates well into the danish culture there is no problem with at lot of contact but if it prevents her from integrating we need to set up a schedule that can meet both their and her needs.

Luckily we have been blessed with a student to very good negotiation skills. She will email once a week if they ask questions for her to answer in the email. If they request a skype call that counts as two weeks emails. Her mom recently offered to pay for each picture she posted on facebook. All we did was listen to her and her parents, give a few observations and left the decision making up to themselves.

Lessons learned
- Things sure have changed in 20 years
- Actual facetime can be a requirement from the natural parents
- We are here for her to help her make the most of her exchange year

A visit to the police station

There are many new experiences as an exchangestudent but also for the hostfamily. Due to som commincation problems she did not have her residence permit when she arrived in Denmark. And that became our task to take care of.

Meeting the official Denmark seen through the eyes of an foreigner is definitly a new experience for all of us involved. We actually had to make the trip to the policestation twice because she needed a picture ID ie. her passport to apply for the residence permit. Second time we had all the papers ready and drew a number. All my ideas about who has to apply for a permit was confirmed that day. In the 30-40 minutes we waited we saw a roma family, who may or may not have scammed the danish wellfare system a bit, an older danish man and his young asian wife, another danish/asian couple with their au-pair ...who was related to the wife, the middleeastern looking couple - the husband dressed like a dane and the wife dressed in hijab. I felt intrigued and embarrased at the same time. Intrigued becauce it is a part of the danish society I only read about and embarrased because I realized that I do have prejudices about who visits the police station to apply for a permit. I on the other hand welcome them to Denmark - any body who wants to live here are welcome in my book regardless of where they come from or how they ended up here.

When it became our turn it took the lady a long time to check if all the right documents were present only to discover that she needed a copy of the passport. Inside I sighed and thought oh no ... do we have to go out, copy it and wait in line again? Luckily she was able to make a copy right there so another trip back to the police station was avoided. All other items was good and after a few questions, a picture and fingerprints (!!!!) we could leave with the knowlegde that it would take 8 weeks to hear.

6 weeks later I called to check on the status of the application. It took me a while to figure out where to call at first. First I called the "Udlændingestyrelse" and after 4 choices; If you wan to listen to this in english press 1, (waited) "if you are calling about ... they then listed 4 different things like greencard, marriage, and lastly recidence permit press 4, pressed 4, after an additional similar choices I finally reached what I wanted: to learn the status of a recidence permit for students the friendly voice said you have chosen to learn what the status of a recidence permit for students - that is not taken care of in this department, pleace call "Styrelsen for fastholdelse og rekruttering" (board for retention and recruitment). Luckily I only had to go through 3 choices and 30 minutes hold on the phone before a reached an actual human only to get confirmed that yes they have received it and their standard processing time is 8 weeks.

Two days later a letter arrived from smae board. With great anticipation she opened the letter. But alas; they needed more documentation; a better copy of the passport and a consent form signed by both biological parents. Sigh ...

On October 29th she has been here three months so I hope we hear soon if she can stay.

Lessons learned:
- make sure that you always remind your student to bring picture id to any meeting the official Denmark
- make sure you have the list of what papers that are reqiuered to apply and check if all the documents are present
- don't let the police copy anything - you may end up redoing it yourself
- have plenty of time when calling the official Denmark